South Boston Hunting Season

Each winter when the snow flies, residents of South Boston must move their cars to make way for the tradition of the parking space hunt and faking out passerby cars, all of them eagerly searching for parking within a one mile radius of home.  Thus begins the most hated of seasons - South Boston Hunting Season.

For those residents of South Boston not blessed with a parking spot of their very own, snow storms can be a time when hibernation is contemplated merely so the car does not have to be moved.  Picture folks roaming the shopping aisles with carts of pizza rolls and toilet paper, dragging their bags back home on sleds to avoid parking.

This past weekend as we rang in the new year, a storm came through, slow and steady, and dropped a moderate amount of snow on the city.  As a general rule, the City of Boston (headed by 5th-term Mumbles) allows space 'saving' for up to 48 hours after a storm.  I was unable to locate a more thorough explanation on CityofBoston.gov, but trust me - if you live in a neighborhood that utilizes this system, you will know.  There are always stories told about Person A taking Person B's 'saved' parking spot and having their tires slashed.  The truth, it turns out, can be much more fun.

So as you travel around in endless circles, wearing your tires bald around the block in hopes of finding that elusive legal parking spot, remember that you are a hunter.  As a hunter, you need to know your prey.  Though it may seem tempting, it is a waste of valuable energy to swear repeatedly at fire hydrants, crosswalks and driveways.  They are just decoys, meant to draw you in and keep you on the move.  They were there before the snow came and they will be there after it is all gone.

There are several classifications of parking spot camouflage.  Below are just a few in a list of endless examples.

Trash Can Camo

A normal parking spot can be quickly transformed with the central placement of a trashcan, either opening up or down.

Advantage:  City sanitation won't throw out an actual trash can.

Disadvantage:  Passerby just found a place for that bag of dog shit they're been carrying for two blocks.

Kitchen Camo

With the simple addition of a wooden chair, this parking spot is disguised as a kitchen.  A very, very, sad kitchen.

Advantage: Can also be used as a stool.

Disadvantage: Possibility of random hobos sitting in your space.

Storage Camo

Gives the immediate impression of actually being a tiny wheel-less car, then makes someone wonder if the car that goes into that spot may actually fit into the container.

Advantage: Functional and reusable.

Disadvantage: May also be filled with poop.

Patio Camo

This relaxing chair can be accompanied by several other chairs and a table to provide that card-game feel while still being functional in its space-saving ability.

Advantage: Lightweight and portable.

Disadvantage: Damn hobos.

Some old favorites:

The Beach: beach chair and cooler

Christmas Morning: full size tree, in stand (sans decorations)

The Remodel: two sawhorses with plywood/sheetrock covering the space

The Summer Vacation: tri-fold lawn chair and a full coil of hose on top

And the best of the year thus far: The King

John Walsh, You Magnificent Bastard

The story's been told a thousand instances over time, yet I cannot resist. Its pull to my heart is like that of a chef to his knives.

Man approaches police. Visibly distraught, he conveys to the officers his annoyance due to his former female cohabitant gaining entry to his abode. After much deliberation and production of physical and testimonial evidence, including the suggestion that a voodoo doll within the house would spread curses, those two men who not only protect, but also serve sided with the man in the ripped Nascar t-shirt. A temporary restraining order was called for and the woman with whom this man had shared a bed was escorted off of the property.

Joyous of his moral victory, the man invites one of the officers inside of his abode to explain his religion, for under the Constitution of the United States of America, by God, this man had a right to his religion. He would not specify his denomination or lack thereof. Confused as to why the front door would no longer open, the man hoists himself through his bathroom window and opens his house to the officers hoping to show off his snake collection. Fourteen snakes writhe within a coffee table made of glass and wood. A similar cabinet, reptile-filled as well, sits behind the couch. While grasping one of the snakes to show the camera, the man is bitten and begins laughing.

John Walsh, you magnificent bastard.

P.S. Woman locked in bank needs to use the bathroom. Calls 911 to help her get out as she felt the desire to smoke a cigarette. Caving under pressure she admits she smells like whiskey because someone threw the beverage at her during a food fight.