My Day in Jury Duty

5:30
Alarm. Snooze.

5:35
Alarm. Snooze.

5:40
Alarm. Awake. Make coffee. Shower. Dress. Eat a nice big ham egg and cheese sandwich.

6:50
Leave house early to ensure I'm not late. Don't want to be held in contempt.

6:52
Caught Red Line right off the bat.

7:03
Caught Green Line. Station smells like bleach and puke - both fresh. I hate the Green Line.

7:06
Emerge at Government Center a full 54 minutes early. Super.

7:25
After circling the Superior Court buildings and attempting to get in through the wrong entrance, I am on the second floor sitting on a bench staring at the Jury Pool room (218) that isn't open for another 5 minutes.

7:31
Entered room. Think airport seating without being able to watch planes take off.

7:33
Fully processed as a white male. Why do they have a second question asking if you are Hispanic? Wasn't that covered on the first round?

7:40
Mousy little book woman seems to be approaching everyone, hoping for eye contact. I think she needs a friend. I do not wish to be her friend.

7:42
Woman in tiny fedora checks in. I want to say she is an organ grinder, but I have no proof.

7:43
I think the court officers are sexting each other.

7:50
First pair of skinny jeans arrives. This girl needs to eat about 17 cheeseburgers.

7:55
Just realized that besides arriving with a piece of paper with my name on it, I have not been asked for any form of identification.

8:01
A nun has arrived. Sally Field/Flying Nun type of nun. What the hell is going on here? Am I on TV?

8:17
Wondering why, when your choice is six empty seats, you would choose the seat directly next to me.

8:31
It's instructional video time! Video has a lisping judge and the rest of the cast reminds me more of Night Court than Law & Order. Wondering what John Larroquette is doing these days.

9:05
Judge comes down to address the room of approximately 200 people. She says 'duty' a lot and somehow compares jury duty to 9/11 heroes and soldiers in Iraq. I see where she's going, but there's not enough glue in the building to make this one stick.

9:25
We get a break! I've been sitting here for two hours, so I could probably use one. Supposed to be back by 9:55 for first call to court.

9:28
Enter 'break room' to enjoy a taste of water and look around. Three tables facing the walls with a handful of broken chairs. Lovely.

9:29
Leave 'break room' and take my seat.

9:55
Court officer no where to be seen.

10:05
I may have passed out for a minute. My head did the neck-snap thing. No announcement.

10:30
Announcement made! Apparently, nothing is happening. Officially, the first party and the second party in the first case on the thirteenth floor have reached an agreement and....there will be no need for any of us.

10:37
Guy next to me starts mumbling to himself. Words I can make out, "...bullshit...waste of time...clairvoyant...jelly bean...spectroscopic...work...fuck..."

10:44
Guy next to me asks if it's okay to drink coffee in the room. I tell him to ask the folks with the pretty badges. He does not seem to like my answer.

10:46
Bathroom break.

10:48
Walking around the banks off elevators I notice that the man in the skull and crossbones sweatshirt has a haircut not unlike Warchild's haircut from Point Break. He is wearing one red shoe and one black shoe. We do not speak.

11:11
Someone farted. It wasn't me.

11:30
Second break! Since I'm still wandering in front of the elevators, I take my break sitting down.

11:35
Man four rows back snores himself awake.

11:59
Announcement made that there is a case.

12:02
My number is called (93).

12:05
Enter the tallest elevator I've ever seen. At least 20ft high. Should have gone for width, since there are twenty people crammed in here.

12:07
Sshhh...court is very quiet.

12:09
Another round of jurors come in. I count 75 of us total. This bench hurts my butt. At least 15 people have to stand.

12:11
Judge comes in, does her deal.

12:12
Selection, or 'panelization' begins. My seat is still uncomfortable.

12:34
The ceiling looks shitty. Could use another coat of paint. The walls are nice.

1:10
Final juror accepted. We all shuffle out.

1:16
Informed by the court officer that I am free to go.

1:19
The lobby smells like more farts.